We’re about to get personal up in here… In all seriousness, I have really bad, sometimes-crippling anxiety. I’ve been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks since I was ten years old, and it’s not a fun time. One of the main things I’ve been terrified of is throwing up – other people, me, doesn’t matter, just hate it. This has to led to a fear of being trapped (whether that relates to a fear of feeling sick and not being able to escape and go somewhere private, I don’t know), and that fear makes a lot of things really difficult, especially things relating to traveling. Planes, boats, buses – all very difficult things to “escape” from, all very easy to feel trapped on, all causing me a lot of anxiety. Luckily, I’ve been to a couple of great therapists, become more logical than my ten year old self, and developed a lot of confidence. Even more luckily, my love of travel and adventure now outweighs my fear and anxiety. I put my mental state to the ultimate test last fall when I went on a month long trip to Southeast Asia. I was on a tour for the majority of the time, which sounds like it would make things less stressful, but for me this actually made things worse. I had to get up early and run on little sleep, go by someone else’s schedule, and couldn’t easy “escape” and be by myself to calm down. After the initial few days, most of which were consumed by racing thoughts, tears, a feeling of being overwhelmed, and panic attacks, I settled in and made the best of it. I ended up having the most amazing time. Sure, I wanted to cry of relief when I got in my parents car at the airport back in Canada after my journey was over, but I wouldn’t trade in my travels or experiences for anything, especially not for a calmer state of mind. I made it through the trip, and I am so, so glad I did. These are some interesting (and sometimes unexpected) things I learned from the experience.
Talking about it helps — This was the first thing I discovered, and it’s what helped me begin to calm down and settle into my trip. On my third night there, on an overnight train from Bangkok to Chiang Mai, I was ready to have a breakdown. So I said something to a couple of my friends, and it’s turns out one of them had anxiety too (not nearly as bad as mine, but it was there), and another was a nurse, who gave me some drugs to help me sleep. They also helped by just talking about other things and getting my mind off of it. I felt like I was being noble by suffering through it alone, but once I spoke up I found a lot of help and support, and that really assisting me in getting through it!
Showing weakness is okay — Going along with what I said above, you want to seem calm and strong and “normal”. You don’t want someone to see your less than pristine mental state, you don’t want anyone to know you’re suffering. But chances are everyone is struggling at least a little bit, especially on a trip like I was on where most people are somewhat culture-shocked. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you’re not okay and that you need help.
You learn the only way out is through — One of the things I struggled with the most in Asia was the fact that the trip felt so huge. I’d been to Europe on two five-week trips while in Junior High School, but I was with my family both times, and one of the two times I wasn’t having any anxiety. This past summer I lived at my aunt’s cottage for four months, but I had a job and I’d been there so many times before that it felt like home. Other than than that, I’d only been away from home for ten or fourteen days at a time before, so this seemed overwhelmingly long. There was nothing I could do about that though, other than not think about it. All I could do was suck it up and keep going – and keep going and keep going, which essentially helped, because the time went from being gone for one month to having two weeks left, to a week, to one night – and then I didn’t want to go home!
You do things you think you couldn’t — One of my biggest stressors is airplanes. On buses at least you’re on the ground and if it’s an absolute emergency it can easily stop. On boats you’re typically free to move around and get outside in the fresh air. On airplanes, however, there is absolutely no escape. On top of that, there’s a safety issue as well. Yes, I’ve been told more accidents and deaths happen in cars than on airplanes, but there’s just something that seems so unstable about air travel. It’s ridiculous because I’ve been flying multiple times a year since I was an infant and never had any fears (or problems), so I shouldn’t be afraid of planes NOW, but I am. I learned, however, that I could in fact handle being on an airplane for thirteen hours. I also learned that I go on a seven hour bus ride with the guy in front of me puking, survive on one hour of sleep in 30 hours, eat foreign and spicy food and do many other things I thought I “couldn’t”.
You don’t do things you thought you could — And then there were things that should have been easy that just were not. For the first three or four days I was there, even the thought of having one drink terrified me, in case I should lose control and end up in a situation that would cause me even more anxiety. Walking to the 7-Eleven to buy water by myself was scary, not because I felt unsafe in the streets, but because I felt overwhelmed. Simply the act of leaving my hotel/hostel room for a meal felt daunting. It would have been funny, had I not been so stressed out. Be patient and gentle with yourself, and do what you can.
Sleep is your friend — I’ve never been one to enjoy sleep too much – it feels like a waste of life – however when you’re in a compromised mental state nothing is a more powerful tool than getting enough sleep. Without sleep, your mind can’t function properly, and causes even more panic, worry and stress. I’ve never been one to take naps (and I mean never), but I took an afternoon nap almost daily while in Asia (the heat takes a lot out of you as well). Even if you have to pass up on a night of partying once in awhile to go to bed early, or skip breakfast so you can sleep in, it’s worth it. Your brain with thank you!
Sometimes you’ll have to say no — To reiterate part of what I said in the last point, sometimes it’s necessary to say no to a night of partying, among other things. On my first morning in Bangkok I went to a huge market (Chatuchak) with a couple of girls I met from Chicago, however I passed up on their visit to a temple in the afternoon so I could get my jet-lagged self to a bed and nap. Similarly, once in awhile you want to do something, but you know that it’s going to cause you more stress and anxiety than it’s worth. Or you know something is bad for you, even though you really, really want to do it. Even if it’s hard, say no – for the good of your mental wellbeing! Majority of the time, no one is going to make you feel bad or try to peer pressure you into doing it.
Sometimes you should definitely say yes — Skipping my afternoon nap to go play with baby tigers? Worth it. Getting up early after a late night of drinking to explore a cave and go kayaking? Worth it. Biking around Luang Prabang and trying snake whiskey? Definitely worth it! When an experience comes along that you wouldn’t be able to have back home, it’s nearly always worth it to take a chance and go do it, because as important as it is to take care of your mental and physical well-being, you don’t want to end up with regrets. One of my favourite quotes is “do something that scares you everyday”. Consider the pros and cons of an opportunity it, and if the good outweighs the bad, say YES!
Alcohol is more of a friend than an enemy — For my first three days in Asia, I had one drink (not one drink per day, one drink total). I didn’t want to lose control and cause myself more problems, I didn’t want the alcohol to exaggerate my feelings of fear, and I certainly didn’t want to wake up hungover and have to get on a bus or plane. Hangovers go hand in hand with anxiety for me on a good day while at home, so I certainly didn’t want to see what they were like in Asia. However, on the third night of the tour my friend convinced me to come out have a good time and drink with the group, and I did – and had a great time! The alcohol helps to relax you, and gives you a sense that you’re safe and there’s nothing to be worried about. It really helped to make this discovery, and from then on if I felt nervous, I knew a Beerlao or two would help (please note that I am not condoning alcohol as a coping method! I’m simply saying you don’t need to avoid it altogether – unless you have other problems!). I (mostly…_) saved my big nights of drinking for the days I stayed in a place for longer than one day, so I wouldn’t have to wake up early and be hungover on a bus, plane or boat to another location, which helped me out a lot – I could have fun and still be somewhat in control.
You face and get over your worst fears — I am so glad I went on this trip, because it helped me to face a lot of my biggest fears (throwing up, plane rides, surviving on little sleep), and learn that I could come out okay (or better) after all of it! This adventure made me look my worries straight in the eyes and deal with them. Made it through 11 and 13 hour plane rides, one with turbulence so bad that even the flight attendants looked worried. Made it through staying awake for 30+ hours. Made it through a seven hour bus journey with my hungover/sick friend puking into plastic bags right in front of me, without getting sick myself (this was the biggest deal for me, as this truly was the root of all my anxiety and something I thought I couldn’t get through). Now? Doesn’t faze me. I can sit in a bathroom stall and pee at the bar with a girl puking in the stall next to mine. I can clean up vomit off the floor when a friend has had one too many beers and doesn’t make it to the toilet. I can eat pasta while my boyfriend is throwing up right beside me. I’m sorry for the TMI, but this is a huge victory for me! Push yourself out of your comfort zone and face your fears, because you’ll learn that you can get through it, and you can survive a lot more things than you thought you could.
it’s okay to be uncomfortable sometimes — For some reason, my whole life, I’ve had this thought in my head that it’s not okay to be uncomfortable, like the only way to live is by never feeling weird or scared or yucky. I’ve learned that it’s good for people to be uncomfortable, to experience unpleasant situations, to be put in sticky situations. Sit with that discomfort, embrace it, allow it, learn from it, and you’ll realize that it’s truly one of the best ways to grow. Don’t avoid negative feels or awkward situations, instead throw yourself right in the middle of them and you’ll come out better for it.
You can rely on yourself more than you thought — A lot of the time, I get my confidence from being around less confident people, because I’m forced to be the one to take action or speak up. When I’m on my own or around more outgoing people, I tend to be quieter and shrink into myself. Traveling across the world, to a completely foreign contingent on my own forced me into learning to speak for myself, take charge, and have faith in my abilities and strength. I realized that I’m a lot stronger and more capable than I thought, and I learned a lot of really useful lessons and skills that will travel with me down the road.
Find an ally — Alternately, it’s a great idea to find someone to rely on. For me, it was a couple, a guy and a girl, a few years older than me, who were nurses, and generally all-around really awesome people. They were both extremely outgoing, confident and fun, with an added bonus of being compassionate, caring and helpful. I talked to them about my fears quite a bit, and they really helped me to calm down a few times, along with having a really good time hanging out with them. There was some drama on the trip, and a few loners, but this couple made everyone feel included and important, and everyone loved and respected them as a result of that. It’s important to find one or two people you can use as allies, or as a “homebase”, because it makes you feel comfortable and relaxed, and it’s calming to know you have someone else to rely on other than yourself.
You wish things were as easy for you as they seem to be for everyone else — It’s frustrating to watch other people being completely relaxed and enjoying themselves while you’re stuck feeling like a big ball of stress and worry. Why do they get to have it so easy, and you don’t? Keep in mind that everybody has their challenges. Maybe they have problems at work, or family drama, or an eating disorder, or, or or. You never know what other people are going through, so don’t get too jealous of someone whose life seems “perfect”, or better than yours.
It’s worth it to spend the money to have room/space to yourself — My number one saving grace on this trip was the extra money I paid for on my tour to have a room to myself. This was my saving grace and I’m honestly not sure I could’ve made it without being able to have my own space to escape to, and to be able to go to bed early when others were out partying, and to have a place to nap or Skype with my boyfriend and family some afternoons when I simply couldn’t handle doing anything or being around anyone. It was so worth it to me to pay for this perk, and I recommend doing the same if you’re feeling uneasy about your travels. If you’re staying at a hostel, it’s usually only a few dollars more to get a private room.
You’ll find serenity in unexpected places — All I’d heard about Vang Vieng, Laos, was that it was a party city, infamous for the dangerous river tubing and bars along the water. However, upon arrival I felt a huge sense of peace and serenity. I loved my time in the town, and there was so much more to it than just partying and drinking. It was my favourite place in SE Asia, the only city I went out by myself and walked around in, not because I felt unsafe elsewhere, but simply because I finally felt comfortable and calm. The same thing happened on our two day river cruise down the Mekong – I’d been dreading it, but it ended up becoming on of the highlights of my trip. The boat we were on was big enough for everyone to spread out, they served beer, there were two bathrooms and we hung out talking, tanning, drinking and playing card games. The boat journey from a spot just past the Lao border to Luang Prabang was the first time I felt truly relaxed in Asia. As is so – if you’re patient and open minded, you’ll find that you discover “happy places” and serenity in spots you didn’t expect, maybe even in things you were looking forward to with trepidation.
This trip, and many trips in general, are a source of anxiety for me. However, they’re also a source of fun and excitement and motivation. There is nothing I love more than traveling, adventuring, exploring. I don’t ever let my fear hold me back from going places, and neither should you!